Dear Future Bae

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Foreword: I find a disclaimer distinguishing the writer and the character in this piece unnecessary, but really (as an advice now), it will make more sense reading this with absolute neutrality. In other news, happy independence-plus-two-days… and happy birthday to me. I’m excited! Please waka come and share in the excitement. Bring a gift or two along. 🙂

*•*•*

Dear Future Bae,

I wish I know an appropriate quote by a great philosopher—or someone of immense reputation, living, in comma, or dead—right now to express how I feel in the shortest possible way. Unfortunately, I don’t. Fortunately though, I have something almost nice and equally brief:

Brevity be damned!

I will try to be coherent, but I can’t even assure myself that. So I’ll rant, ramble, rumble, and tumble if necessary till I let it all out— white, black and the shebang. I hope this gets to you somehow (probably in your dream) before future competing lady, if any, intercepts it.

Scattered all over the internet and every other places information can lodge in or perch on, even if it’s for a moment barely long enough for me to ask “what exactly is it sef?”, are statistics and supposed facts about humans of my kind (I hope): the XY species with healthy body system. I mean the reproductive system and its major organ, to be near specific.

Some random websites or publications tell me with authority the ridiculously unbelievable number of times I put sex in the front page of my mind; as though they are privy to my thoughts and always alerted on every bulge against my trouser fly. I have no problems with the figures. They’re absolutely free to adjust the rate to as high 30 times per hour, or something close to the safe speed limit of an empty fuel tanker on the expressway. The one thing that I sure won’t be quite comfortable with, however, is a (judgemental) speech on why I shouldn’t think about women, especially now that it’s not one woman but many.

Isn’t it strange that I’m writing this to you without trying to hide the fact that I think about lots of women in a similar way? Please try not to hurl a stiletto or break something for my annoying audacity. Don’t be quick to call me unserious, strongly possessed, flirty… or a to-be polygamist. I’ll tell you why I do the things I do.

There is this young lady I see every night on my way home. It has almost become a duty to always look in her direction, and she never disappoints. She’s always there; eyes well located on a welcoming countenance, wide open to stare right back at me. She’s of average build, slightly fair, well-carved face beautiful enough for me to see in the dark… and a structure that tends towards the eight. She’s blessed, but not so blessed. She’s about two inches from the category “short”. I’m not very tall myself, and I won’t like to be blamed by my offsprings for their inherited “brevity” (“short” is derogatory!). We kept staring, but I’m never going to make the move.

I made a new friend not so long ago. The way she talks is like music to my ears. Momma would always lecture me (as though I’m so dumb not to know these things already) that choosing a bae isn’t totally about beauty, but also about other qualities like intelligence, good nature, and all other things eyes even behind Harry Porter glasses won’t see. She’s got all that too. Irrespective of how you view her—with a magnifying spectacles or discerning church mind plus a touch of wizardry—she screams “hawtt” through and through. You probably know already, but I’d like to explain “hawtt” according to a trusted dictionary. A hawtt lady is one who makes men whistle unconsciously, twist their necks at odd angles, and fall into gutter like dominoes when she passes by. The ma’am, however, is 2.688years (yes, I like figures) older than me. Age is just a number right? Hian! Puhleease! In this circumstance, age is also a bucket of cold water that dilutes all “hawttness”. Yes you guessed right, another no-no.

The stranger-turned-friend from the bus the other night is another great handwork of God. You know what they say about the Creator moulding some creatures with so much attention to detail, interest, and patience on a day likely to be a weekend in heaven? I kid you not. From the way she picks her words, to the disarming smile that reveals her well-spaced gap teeth (this is the part where I’ll hold my head and scream “ojigbi-jigbi!”), down to the other “God-given features” that adorned her here and there (the little the description the better, don’t you think?)… she’s the full package! Nay, I mean she’s almost the full package. I found out about some little things later and ratings took a sharp and disappointing dive into nothingness.

In case you’ve got your analytical game on, trying to establish a trend to arrive at my type of girl, please bae, do not filter by colour. Yellow bus or red BRT, they both transport. Dora is many nautical miles away from fair. She’s a quintessential pretty dark lady Sir Don Jazzy himself would gladly dub the Doro title. But then, Doro is a useless title—and I repeat, a VERY useless title—if the ma’am is so impressive only to the eyes, but with a not-so-desirable attitude (I can almost hear momma’s advice ringing in my ears, again). A crush could be in existence, but it would remain a crush and nothing more. Hopefully, it won’t crush this son of man.

There is also the mulatto on my device’s messenger, and the very responsive cute belle I met on the Badoo I never use. What of the radiating Clara that sparkles all the time from the choir stand? I dare not forget the beautiful almost albino chic beside the confectionery, and the unbelievably “tush” walnut babe (*shudders* What was I thinking? Bae, scratch out the last part, that was a joke). The more I add entries to the list, cutting across boundaries, tribes, colours, heights, ages and temperaments, the more I nail myself to the cross of likely infidelity. I don’t want to make the wrong impression.

So here goes the right impression.

Right now right here, I don’t know who you are bae. In fact, you could be anywhere on the surface of the planet. You could be in Czechoslovakia or France right now (Syria is not your portion IJN); or doing some stuff only you understand in an Indian village somewhere (no offence); or even close to home hanging out with a boyfriend (a boyfriend you’ll have to break up with soon by the way) some few miles away from here. What I know and sure of is that I want the best; an outstanding woman I’ll gladly spend the rest of my life with. I picture you at every attempt I get, bringing up images of the lot of things that thrill me in a woman.

Is it now a crime to think of you? Will it be so difficult to understand how all these ladies get into my head any time I try to think of the perfect you? Is it an offence to picture you with the eyes of Kemi, amazing “wicked” structure of Tola (jcheesox!), the radiance of Clara, disarming gap-toothed smile of Lara, the pretty cool finesse of Sandra… bla, bla and more bla? Believe me, I’ve considered this a problem and tried so much to find a remedy, but I’m not doing so well at achieving the desired result.

A friend once told me I shouldn’t bother looking for the perfect one—since I won’t even find her—but rather, find one I’ll be perfect with. Besides, I’m also not even close to perfect. She implied that I shouldn’t center my idea of perfection on the stuffs I read in books or see on the big screens (you know the sharp bright eyes, firm jaw, curvy this, supple that thinggies), but rather face the plain reality. She said a lot of sensible things, but it didn’t change much. Not yet. Perhaps I’ve got a very weird and rare strain of perfectionism affecting me. Perhaps I need the service of very good and experienced shrinks (I fear one would turn out to be inadequate).

Getting to you eventually depends on this; I’m sure you have your own flaws too. Perhaps I’ve found you already, but putting you in a no-no zone because of a little “but”; flaw(s) I have as well.

I’ll try harder to get better and come for you (definitely not on a horse nor in a shiny armour; preferably in an S-Class Benz), but while I do that, try not to listen to that guy sending you messages, calling you angel as though you’ve got the halo and wings, and bombarding you with pseudo-affection. We know what he wants, and NO, we… no, I mean you, are not giving it to him. He won’t like that, yes, but friend zone doesn’t kill… it makes one stronger. (Unknown author)

I know I’ve got no right or say now, just try and consider the advice.

I’ll anticipate a reply, if by any weird but fortunate means you get this.

Yours truly,
Imperfect Future Hubby

I am @jossef69 on twitter

http://www.facebook.com/senorjoesblog

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21 thoughts on “Dear Future Bae

    Yemie said:
    October 3, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Dear Imperfect Future Hubby,

    Your letter’s really an insightful one! What with so many line-ups of potentials?! What’s that ’bout?! Do I sense a roving eyes and an indecisive mind?! Choosing a bride’s not rocket science, the moment you set your eyes on the ‘very one’, otono, you’ll know instantly! Even with those perceived flaws you speak ’bout, she’d somehow continually invade your thoughts, give you several butterflies; that you just know it deep within you that you care so deeply for this person and want to spend the rest of your life with her by your side! She’d rock your existence like no tomorrow; you’d feel like you can’t function without her! She’d blow your mind wide open, and there won’t be space for another, as she’d practically dominate your thoughts and your very essence! Plus, she’d appeal to you on every side, not just sexually! You’d feel that intense need to shield and protect her from harm, she’d totally do you in and no one else will matter but her! You’d feel so selfless that her well being becomes your highest priority, not yours! You’d be so unbelievably self-sacrificing, the mere thoughts would numb you but you’d feel so happy doing all of that! At a point, you might even feel like you’re under some sorta spell! Dude, you’d be totally smittened with her! LOL

    Now, if any of the ladies listed overhead makes you feel these things, then pursue friendship with such a person and then tell it to God and be sure you’re in His Perfect Will for you! Only then, will it be said of you that you, who have found a wife, have ultimately found a good thing! It doesn’t end there, you have to keep telling it to God to sustain your union and keep you both from straying and only then will it get so much better! I hope with these ‘few’ points of mine, I’ve been able to convince and not to confuse you that all will be well like easy peasy lemon cheesy! *phew* LMAO!

    Signed,

    A friend.

    And now to the bday boy, here’s wishing you a very Happy Birthday today, have many more! I pray your desires find fulfilment this season, and hope too that this will be your bestest bday yet! Have you a great day and thanks soo much for sharing this hilarious piece, on such a special day and time as this! Enjoy! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 3, 2014 at 8:51 am

      Dear imperfect hubby gave me the go-ahead to reply, and I’m gonna do that. In fact, I’m happy to do that.

      *sighs* Where do I begin?

      The very one, otono? (You will sooooo explain) This is so very serious; the odikwa terrible type. You so replied like a bae, and I’m relieved you didn’t hurl something at me in annoyance. At a point I felt like I was reading heavenly instructions/prophecies from the Holy book (ten commandment was given in what section of the book sef? 🙂 ). Thou shall say it all and it shall come to pass…

      I think those feelings so spelt out are nice, mere reading it toys my pheromones…. sorry, hormones, in a kinda nice way. The pre-spell already working, perhaps.

      You’ve adequately convinced me, and I’ll pursue the path that leads to the easy peasy lemon cheesy. I promise.

      Thanks a lot for the prayers, comments, support….and many more. God bless you, bigger-ly. 🙂

      Like

    Heedriz Depearl said:
    October 3, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Wheew!! This looks analytically sufficient to choose and stick. The only shortcoming is that you do not seem to be willing to actually try anyone of em out, practically.

    Maybe it’s just me, but I love experimenting, and well, we really wouldn’t know how delicious a ‘good looking and smelling’ soup is, until we actually taste it.

    Hehe, I would be enchanted by a girl that ‘holds a gaze.’ I’m all for older girls, except they have been ‘overused.’ I can’t deal with nonconformist just as I love my gurls independent.

    So, yes! I would seek out my plump gurl who is absolutely waiting for me to make a move and go all out on the older gurl (2.688 years?! Really?! .688?!).

    Yet, the best way to find a missing item is to stop looking… (easier said than done.)

    Happy birthday man, I’m starting to imagine what your wishes are…

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 3, 2014 at 9:14 am

      LOL. Interesting one!

      Try out? (Especially) practically?

      I think you’re the jankolikolikoko 🙂 *winks*

      You’re right. Deliciously smelling soup can be salty sef. Well, erm… future hubby likes- nay, liked experimenting too, but he recently no more look unto “those things” (no one can get that better than you). Sometimes we taste the soup so much we finish it, then move. On to the next. The whole essence of tasting defeated. Only God knows why he’s got reservations with older ma’am, perhaps the one in particular is… well, I know not.

      Maybe you know what my wishes are (you could be sometimes clairvoyant *smiles*), but I definitely know your type of girl now. 🙂

      Thanks sir.

      Like

    victoroladosuu said:
    October 3, 2014 at 8:24 am

    Hain dear yemi, are you some sort of “love/marriage” counselor or something if you not then I assume you’ve found your own “the one” verrry explicit explanation description and advice (me like)
    Ore mi a*ari the second!!! Boooo nì?? Happy birthday fam great things for you this new year!!! Very hilarious piece as usual but you failed mention one location tho(what if errrrrm you know sambisa forest yea? I heard there are what!?? Twenty something girls there right?) am not implying anything am jus rambling and ranting….oh well cheers man*raised glasses* meanwhile how did you like that gollardo I sent you? Taken it for a spin yet? No worries you’ll get a yatch next year…Happy birthday boss you are loved to the moon and back #nohomo

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 3, 2014 at 9:30 am

      When you need capable fingers to help thrash out issues and bring to fore as it is, unadulterated, you know the ma’am to holler. 🙂

      The location you so mentioned, I don’t wanna go there *in Chris Brown’s voice* I’m curious though, what d’yu wanna do with the girls? Rescue them? Take them for a spin with your gallardo? Or…? *rme* Pray tell.

      Thanks for the gallardo, I got it. The picture wasn’t so clear though, I think you should send another of a higher resolution. I hope you take it out of your picture archive and deliver a palpable yatch next year. 🙂

      Thanks boss.

      Like

        victoroladosuu said:
        October 3, 2014 at 12:02 pm

        God will rectify your thinking process for me so that you would get the point in any statement made to you on time…..see how you missed all the points?”continuuuu” and since you don’t seem to want my gifts anymore next year you get errrrrm….wait let me think about that for the next six months!!!(there might be worse things than forcing u to spend a day with “patience Jonathan” yet…..as for the gallardo!!! Not clear? Am not sure I sent any uncleared item!!! I checked with my customs guy again he said a Maybe the recipient has “eye problem” then I remembered your “Harry porter” glasses… All in all I hope you are turning it up??

        Like

        Adewoyin Joseph responded:
        October 3, 2014 at 7:48 pm

        *smiles* Amen sir. Think about it for six months? Are you sure you actually plan to think, or you’re going for a post-graduate Industrial Training?

        I’m sure I’ll run out of patience if I spend an hour with Patience Jonathan, there will be casualties… only me can’t waka go for that lane. Would’ve loved to spend the day with pals, ironically, I got so hooked up it hurt.

        I pray for bigger us next year, so no one would have to show the 419-side and be sending virtual gallardo back and forth. 🙂

        Like

      Yemie said:
      October 3, 2014 at 9:43 am

      Hehehehehe! Dear Victor, am certainly no marriage counselor; I wish! *laughing* And yep, I found ‘the one’ eons ago, so am pretty much just speaking from experience! You know what they say ’bout experience being the best teacher? Well, it happened to me but in all, am still a work in progress! I take no credlts, I couldn’t! Na Baba God e do am! Lol

      Thanks a bunch Victor, its nice making your acquaintance Sir, do have you a great weekend ahead! Cheers and God bless you plenty! LOL

      Like

        victoroladosuu said:
        October 3, 2014 at 12:08 pm

        That statement couldn’t have been any trueer as is in this case,your “the one” is really lucky and I must say you are pretty lucky yourself…the pleasure was all mine boss…and God bless you too…aurovoir

        Like

    Walt Shakes said:
    October 3, 2014 at 11:14 am

    LOL! Uh, Josef, will we know when future bae replies? Becos some of us are trying to perfect the art of time travel, and since you have sent this letter off into the universe, we the Association Of Weird Things That Happen In The Universe would like to know when her response comes, so as to better work on the current experiment we have at hand.

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 3, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      Association Of Weird Things That Happen In The Universe? Like seriously? ROTL!

      I think with your level in time travel, you alone would be able to help better the slight chance of the letter getting to her, hardly the other way. Except we try the village witches option (they’ve been travelling through time since 32 A.D), which often boomerangs.

      Something tells me your experiment will benefit me too, and for that I’m dropping a massive godspeed, chief.

      Thanks Sir Walter

      Like

    topazo said:
    October 3, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    Happy birthday Senor
    I have the reply from the future bae…but I no get transport money to take deliver am….so…*coughs*

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 4, 2014 at 12:19 am

      Yaaaay! See, ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a time-traveller! Sir Walter would definitely need you too in the experimenting. No worries, I’ll contact Dear Future Hubby on this and I’m CERTAIN he’ll go cashless and wire you correct dough!

      One thing I’ll ask of you though, during your future travel, study the top stock exchange gainers. I’m curious about the recipe and taste of future plantain chips too (you get? *smiles*)

      Yes, I almost forgot, get a sci-fi cough pill for the unnatural cough too. 🙂

      Many thanks sir.

      Like

    HARD VOICES said:
    October 4, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Happy Birthday Senior Colleague. I may not say anything about the bae matter because this phone is stolen and the owner is on his way (will be lucky to press publish before he returns) But I don’t even think my opinion will be missed, not when experts like Yemie have already pasted their thesis on baeness above.

    Happy birthday some more.

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      October 6, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      *smiles* The fact that you had to go to the length of “briefly borrowing” the device just to write this is something to appreciate already.

      Yemie is a bae-ologist, among other things. Whoever needs her professional service can contact me so we can discuss in the currency of choice. 😉

      Thanks for dropping this chief, may you NEVER be caught red-handed. 🙂

      Like

    D'Dream said:
    January 1, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    Aunty Yemie always balling lols. Nah I don’t have anything to say more! Hands up

    http://www.thedreamconvo.WordPress.com

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 1, 2016 at 6:31 pm

      *smiles* That’s how she rolls. I think you should keep your hands raised up for a while longer. 🙂

      Thanks for checking out the blog Monsieur; I’ll sure check-out your space.

      Liked by 2 people

        D'Dream said:
        January 1, 2016 at 7:14 pm

        Thanks for checking me out 😀☺(?) Do I look good?😉😉 *looking around*. Adjusting myself before accusations start rolling in.

        Ahn ahn brother, a while longer bawo?! Don’t be mean than those guys in uniform. Its so nice to connect with a male blogger in the seas of female blogger. They just kind of take the whole space

        Liked by 2 people

    sheedart said:
    February 6, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Uhm. No comments. Err. Except I’m typing one already. Phew. 😊
    2 years later, has future bae replied? Is she now present bae? If not, perhaps you should publish Madam Yemie’s superb reply. Maybe Future bae will see that you’re getting the best tutorial and locate you faster, yeah? 😉
    Good write Senor. Thanks for the flash back.
    PS: Is it too early to say happy birthday in advance? 😂

    Liked by 2 people

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      February 6, 2016 at 10:24 pm

      Understanding the future bae’s reply would be a little complicated than her chances of getting the letter in the first place, assuming that she actually got it. What if a reply already came from bae, but we’re just not sure if it’s one from the bae? How best do we identify her one time?

      I’m not sure I’m making sense. My exit strategy would be to second your motion to go the Yemmie-way or just wait forrit. 🙂

      Simply wish me a happy birthday plus four months and three days and we’ll be cooler; we’re already cool. Thanks for reading, madam Sheedart.

      Liked by 1 person

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