Knocked Out

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I could open this post by giving a trite but dramatic “happy new year” followed by many good wishes, but seeing as that would be tantamount to saying opening prayer when it’s already time for benediction, I’ll save myself the disgrace and wish y’all greatness within myself. May we never run out of fishes to fry nor lose our certificate(s) to the utmost mockery of our enemies.

Of course, I’m murmuring the above within myself.

Many thanks to everyone who took time to go through my scribbles in times past despite my shortcomings and inconsistencies; it’s a great honour to have you. To ghost readers who stroll in for a peep like the biblical thief in the night (most thieves get caught eventually you know?), God is watching you. And Amadiora too. Thank you…but you must repent. 🙂

Hearty “shout salute” to avid commenters; the core to my reactor and source of immense encouragement. Leonardo Da Vinci must have really understood the importance of feedback before he wrote this: You have not farted if nobody grumbled nor contorted their face upon your gaseous release. Totally, I concur! I appreciate y’all. I hope it turns out to be a year of great and concentrated releases from SJB.

Here’s a little something I wrote late last year, featured on Elsieisy’s blog. Grab a bottle of coke or sorrel and enjoy.

*•*•*

A soft voice reached me from a distance, though not strong enough to bother me. I was in a state that felt great, but I couldn’t describe it. The voice got louder and harsher as a masculine voice chipped in an inglorious roughness, dragging me from my unknown state to what I later realised was consciousness.

“Damn! I did it again.”

Two days earlier I had slept off in a car en route to work. The driver I told my destination upon getting on-board had taken me several bus stops away from my stop, making excuses that he asked me but I didn’t answer. I believe people reason and talk in their sleep in his village.

I sat up as my tired eyes fixated on the source of my disturbance-cum-saving grace. The last time I checked, I was in a bus with five passengers. I must have dozed for so long, for the bus had filled up and almost at my destination.

“Madam, take it easy.”

A man likely in his forties said calmly in an apparent attempt to settle the ongoing vituperative exchange between a woman and another man; a well suit-ed man for that matter.

I wasn’t interested. I’d experienced a lot to last a lifetime in bus rides—from terror-voiced singing passenger to four full hours of chronic beansy farts endurance from an obvious source, to a preaching driver who paused intermittently to call for passengers, etc. Experience has taught me that such dramas are often not worth the effort of thinking them through. They are best enjoyed than understood.

I turned from them, but the Judas Iscariot ears I posses wouldn’t turn with me.

“Stupid woman! You have no respect. I wonder what you do to your husband at home…” He vented.

“I wonder what unfortunate woman married an insane man like you. Tragedy!” She parried.

I didn’t look back but I knew her counter crawled up his spine and sank into his brain. A rough scuffle ensued, but a familiar calm voice came in again.

“You two should stop this. You’re grown-ups. Woman…” he called with a bit of an elevated pitch, like he had some control over her, “…it’s time you kept quiet for good. I mean it.”

It worked like magic; I almost requested for a bit of the juju. She muted, but her fellow-in-dispute took it as the beginning of his victory. I had a feeling doom lurked in the boot for him, but he spilled more invectives like it was expedient for a promotion at work. He raved and dropped the thick one that broke the proverbial camel’s back—or nose.

“Woman, I’m not so worried about your insanity. From all you’ve been saying I’m sure you married someone like you; someone equally supercilious and condescending.” He paused, probably in admiration of his vocabulary. I wondered what the matter had to do with the husband. “Get home soon, woman, and let your irresponsible numbskull of a husband know how sick you are.”

She broke her silence and replied curtly, in an unbelievable low voice, “You can tell him yourself.”

Action flew first class.

Something cracked. It was more of a snap. It seemed as though the human nose is plastic like people say after all. Much as I tried to think otherwise, I knew it wasn’t just a crack of the calm mediator’s phalanges upon his fisty impact on someone else’s face—the face of a familiar man in suit. Something else definitely got broken.

I missed the action, but not everything it left in its wake.

Blood trickled down the nose of a corporately dressed owner even as he attempted to help his distressed organ with his hands, letting out grunts in pain. His vituperation-laden mouth contorted with confusion. I pondered as the dots connected before me.

Mediator was madam’s numbskull.

I am @jossef69 on twitter.

http://www.facebook.com/senorjoesblog

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19 thoughts on “Knocked Out

    HARD VOICES said:
    January 23, 2015 at 7:23 am

    Welcome to the blogosphere this year. I always look forward to your writings, sure that it will crack my ribs real hard and teach me one or two tricks.

    You have by this writing taken me to a crazy bus ride in the height of Lagos. One thing I have mastered in the busphere is the power of silence. Some people are freshly mads yet to be certified; avoiding them is the only antidote. The only exception is when someone literally sits on my head, then I will show them that my madness is certified by the Psychiatric Association of Nigeria (PAN).

    As we have seen, corporate dressing is no guarantee of gentlemanity, and the nose is made of something softer than plastic and some people’s knuckle is tougher than iron. #AmadiohaIsWatching

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 6:45 am

      LOL. I knew I would have reason to laugh the moment I got this comment notification. That certification makes you the chief… if your state of equilibrium is in any way disturbed.

      Words like this from a person like you go a long way. Thanks a lot, my humour boss 🙂

      Like

    Lizzy Chile said:
    January 23, 2015 at 7:38 am

    So I just broke my “off line rule” to spoil myself with another of ya piece…twas totally worth it, sure you know that already…ok! Bye #backtomyreadingtable

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 6:50 am

      Isn’t that just schweeet? 🙂

      Thanks a bunch Chile. Do the reading and show ’em what a chili you can be (you know what it is).

      Like

    Heedriz Depearl said:
    January 23, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Lmao! I knew it!!

    Moral of the story- know when to stop!

    Uncle Joe is back, sound it!!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 6:55 am

      *smiles* You like this kinda role reversal. Aren’t you supposed to be the one giving me the avuncular comment? 🙂

      Thanks uncle, Joe is back.

      Like

        Heedriz Depearl said:
        January 24, 2015 at 2:56 pm

        Lmao! Haba, you’re the elderly porzen nah… *rotfl* :p

        Like

    topazo said:
    January 23, 2015 at 9:58 am

    When a man is destined for punishment, it is his mouth that will lead him there…

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 6:57 am

      LOL. I agree!

      A nose destined for decommissioning will seek its destined decommission-er by all means necessary. 🙂

      Thanks Doc.

      Like

        topazo said:
        January 24, 2015 at 8:36 am

        Hehehe… nose for decommissioning…very funny

        Like

    Tolulope John said:
    January 23, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    Definitely he over-ranted and got an unwarranted knock!!!
    A word for the mediator,next time,ika to ba se ni oba n ge.
    Why did he have to judge the nose on the offense of the mouth…
    Two teeth would have sufficed.
    Did I just say that?????
    Nice piece sir.
    P.S
    You and all these your bus tales, its time to get a ride,isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 7:07 am

      So you combined rhymes and justice ehn? Two teeth for a rant, you want to borrow from sharia law? 🙂

      He ranted and got the unwarranted, which is a tad fair. I think mediator went for the nose cuz he couldn’t resist the temptation (he could be a nose-breaker who enjoys the sound of the crack every time), or probably to give the culprit (the mouth) an opportunity to watch and learn.

      Now I sound like a mean mediator. *sighs*

      Let’s just believe that your comment will become prophetic, grow wings and put a ride in the pipeline for me. *smiles*

      Quite an epistle I’ve written here, thanks pal!

      Like

    zikaolofin said:
    January 23, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    Oh dear, it’s not for nothing that I watch out for your posts. They always make for a fun-filled, rib-cracking, laugh-till-your-feet-buckle, interesting kinda read. You just kicked off the weekend for me. Thanks

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      January 24, 2015 at 7:15 am

      Hmmmmmn. Can “sweet” have a better definition than this? Now I’ll have to take the bitters I fear to relieve this sweetness… the fear of diabetes is the beginning (and continuation) of wisdom. 🙂

      Zika just pepped my weekend! Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

    Walter said:
    January 24, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! Correct! I love this! This is the kind of shit I love experiencing so i can write it up as another day in Lagos. Nice narrative, Joseph. And the twist at the end – DAMN! 😀

    Like

    Adewoyin Joseph responded:
    January 24, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    *smiles* I know the feeling. One just gotta be careful what one wishes for, before one finds oneself as a leading role/object of a “strong” experience (you get the drift). 🙂

    I’m glad you like this. Learning pretty quickly from the crème de la crèmes of the game. *winks*

    Like

    Yemie said:
    February 3, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    First, the desperate urge to break into lines is extremely difficult for me to resist here, I mean; why fight it really?! I’d be soo damned! ‘Action flew first class ei’?! Neat! Well, here goes….’Talongbemu, Baba oni Waidi, talongbemu’! And that folks, was how the cookie or should that be nose?!…… totally crumbled like a pack of cards! ‘Broken abi shattered nose’ will learn to exercise some amount of restraint if ever there’s a next time, and let sleeping dogs lie still, rather than flap off his gums and shoot off his mouth with such reckless abandon! I just had a hunch and knew I was on to something real juicy when that woman kept quiet at the insistence of the supposed numskull! Which has me wondering now who the real numskull is! *laughing*

    My best line’s gotta be ‘You can tell him yourself’, flawlessly delivered in such a low, very ‘submissive’ tone of phrase! Gave absolutely nothing away! That was ingenious Joe, curveball of life! A dope, very well thought out sharp left turn and twist, phenomenal! This is of a truth one of your bestest effort yet Joe, and you keep besting yourself at every turn and chance! Your wonderful sense of humor, and wits; which am completely suckers for by the way, just keeps shining through! Keep it coming Senor and you really oughta go see a Doc and maybe get tested you know, for ‘Trypanosomiasis’, since its so obvious that tsetsefly musta done a good number on you! I’ll bet you catch my drift, yeah?! I have no doubts that you do, the Agric- Economist that thou art! That condition’s not alien to thee! I’m just really looking out for you buddy, you can thank me later too while you’re at it; no charge…… none whatsoever! *Yinmu* ROTFLMAO!

    Like

      Adewoyin Joseph responded:
      February 4, 2015 at 11:28 pm

      Speechless! So short of words right now! LOL

      Talongbemu baba Waidi? Are you for real? Those lines bring back strong memories. The meeting of a NUMBSKULL and a numbskull definitely couldn’t have ended well, especially with the mouth of the latter on full throttle hyper-grease.

      I’m glad you like and dropped this, been looking outta my window for it since a long time. Perhaps the new species of tse-tse fly you just discovered should be named after you. Say something like Trypanosomiasis yemmae – a kinda tse-tse fly that causes brain dozing (like someone in the “alright mode” after smoking a full fat wrap of manure-grown marijuana) or scribblers’ block. 🙂

      Thanks for being the wing-ma’am. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    Adewoyin Joseph responded:
    February 4, 2015 at 11:27 pm

    Speechless! So short of words right now! LOL

    Talongbemu baba Waidi? Are you for real? Those lines bring back strong memories. The meeting of a NUMBSKULL and a numbskull definitely couldn’t have ended well, especially with the mouth of the latter on full throttle hyper-grease.

    I’m glad you like and dropped this, been looking outta my window for it since a long time. Perhaps the new species of tse-tse fly you just discovered should be named after you. Say something like Trypanosomiasis yemmae – a kinda tse-tse fly that causes brain dozing (like someone in the “alright mode” after smoking a full fat wrap of manure-grown marijuana) or scribblers’ block. 🙂

    Thanks for being the wing-ma’am. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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